Category: sarcasm

What Would Baby Jesus Think?

Baby Jesus statue without head
(courtesy The Star)

(note: previously published on www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home on www.thenastywench.com)

What would Baby Jesus think?

What would baby Jesus think? Apparently a white stone statue of Mary and the baby Jesus at a church in Sudbury, ON has been vandalized a few times over the years, decapitating the baby Jesus but leaving the head nearby – ‘cause really, what are you going to do with a baby Jesus head. A little hard to pawn. Pssst, wanna buy a baby Jesus head?

The last decapitation took place a year ago but the head was nowhere to be found. The cost of replacing the head was prohibitive to the church and so it remained “as is” for months. A local artist came across the statue and offered to repair it at no cost – Continue reading “What Would Baby Jesus Think?”

Ya, I don’t Think So…

bus driven by female driver

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home @www.thenastywench.com)

Stopped in at a local job fair this afternoon with my son’s girlfriend when we wandered near a display from a school bus driving agency.

Their rep says “Have you ever considered driving school bus?” Continue reading “Ya, I don’t Think So…”

Ripped From the Headlines – Part 2

man with arrow in head

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca and www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home on www.thenastywench.com)

Teen Shoots Dad With Arrow Over Cell Phone

Once again…that’s the headline.

A 35 yr old man in rural Washington was airlifted to hospital after his 15 yr old daughter shot him in the head with a hunting bow and arrow because he took her cell phone away. The kicker – she refused to let him use the cell to call for help and he had to crawl to the neighbour’s house for assistance with the arrow still firmly implanted in his skull. Seriously.

Wonder if he’s regretting the decision to sign her up for those archery classes now? Proud papa cheering loudly while she is presented the award for marksmanship. Should have signed her up for band camp…na, Continue reading “Ripped From the Headlines – Part 2”

Plenty of WTF

plenty of fish logo

(originally published on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca and www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home at www.thenastywench.com)

I took a stab at online dating – it was not pretty.

My options for meeting someone are fairly limited – I work for a really small company (no interesting candidates there) and I volunteer with an agency that is 98% women, unless I’m considering making a major lifestyle change…I don’t do the bar scene or casinos…this is beginning to sound a little pathetic.

So, I took the plunge into online dating, what’s the worst that can happen? I’m sure most of the online sites are the same so I won’t point any fingers… Continue reading “Plenty of WTF”

Ode to a Walmart Greeter

evil walmart happy face logo

Ode to a Walmart Greeter

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca and www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home on www.thenastywench.com)

All due respect to Walmart Greeters around the world but if you ever walk into a Walmart and I’m there greeting you, take me out to the parking lot and back over me. Assume that I’m being held hostage and I’m being made to sing that freaking Walmart rah rah cheer song in the morning. I thought that was a rumor when I first heard about it but I got into a Walmart early one morning and they actually make their staff sing that asinine song. I cannot believe that it does not breach some human rights legislation.

Greeters don’t actually greet customers any more… Continue reading “Ode to a Walmart Greeter”

Hooligan Penguin Sex

2 penguins having sex

(originally published on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca and www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home at www.thenastywench.com)

*** Spoiler Alert ***
if you love penguins, turn back now before it’s too late…

I loooove penguins. What’s not to love? There is something uniquely charming about these wondrous, waddling creatures – whether it’s the reality of March of the Penguins or the animated world of Happy Feet. I used to have a poster up in my office of a disheveled penguin with the notation “Fuck it, I’m going home”. Even he had his charms (my boss did not share that opinion).

However, I’ve come across some penguin information that is nothing short of devastating. Research notes for a 1915 publication by Dr. George Levick have been discovered in the London Natural History Museum, including notations that describe my lovable penguins as depraved hooligans. Say it isn’t so, George!

He goes on to describe thousands of “hooligan” male Adelie penguins copulating with each other or dead females, gang-raping injured females and molesting young chicks. What the fk Happy Feet?? Traumatized by his observations, Continue reading “Hooligan Penguin Sex”

Hillbilly Handfishing

man kneeling beside catfish

(note:  originally posted on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca and www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home at www.thenastywench.com)

Oh, for fk sake…seriously?!?

I kid you not. I have had a terrible couple of weeks, just got back from my electrolysis appointment (waging battle against morphing into a post-menopausal circus freak, fyi – laser doesn’t work on blonde hair, permanent facial hair removal requires jamming an electrical probe into each follicle individually and frying the crap out of it, repeatedly…because once is not enough, and paying for the privilege…but I digress).

I toss myself onto the couch and catch a glimpse of two things on the television – neither of which makes any sense and zero ability to reconcile the two. Some redneck male is wrestling with a huge catfish in a muddy bog of some sort, cut to a flamingly gay character (not that there’s anything wrong with that) in a cabin setting making over a couple of women …glamming them up in what can only be described as early 80’s chic make up, these are either friends or spouses of the men wrestling the catfish. Don’t get me started.

So I turn to my son and inquire…wtf?? Continue reading “Hillbilly Handfishing”

The G Spot Has Officially Been Found…Hiding in Poland

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca and www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home at www.thenastywench.com)

The G Spot Has Officially Been Found …. Hiding in Poland

After decades of research and debate and mountains of medical journals, Dr. Adam Ostrzenski found the elusive G spot. Finally, a man finds it. No surprise that it’s front page international news and the quickest his research has ever been published.

That’s the good news. The bad news – the woman is 83 and recently deceased…fat lot of good it’s going to do her now. Isn’t that just the way? One can only speculate after a lifetime of rather ordinary, perhaps mundane sex … Continue reading “The G Spot Has Officially Been Found…Hiding in Poland”

Ripped From The Headlines

picture of confused sperm

(note: originally published on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca and www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home on www.thenastywench.com)

Have you ever read a headline and wondered wtf?? Came across a whopper:

“US Man fined $27K after ejaculating in co-worker’s water bottle”

Ummmm…seriously?? I shit you not. Gotta say, as headlines go, it got my attention. Some character in California has been fined (and I am assume fired) for ejaculating into a co-workers water bottle. Buddy needs a new hobby.

I find myself wondering how the detective work played out on that particular investigation. The board room meeting where police are asking for DNA swabs from all male employees. Hmmmmm … are you trying to solve a murder, espionage, some white collar crime?? Nope … just sorting out who’s jacking off in Sally’s water bottle.

Under what circumstances does it occur to someone to jack off in a co-worker’s water bottle? Is this some frustrated Romeo who’s tired of her turning down his sexual advances, no “office” hummer”… Continue reading “Ripped From The Headlines”

Scarred For Life – The Vagina Monologue

character prepared to dive

Scarred for Life – The Vagina Monologue

(this post originally published on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca…now in its new home at www.thenastywench.com)

Some conversations are unpredictable, unavoidable and scarring. The portions of the exchange that I am about to share with you that appear in red are contributions from the voices in my head. I was only ever able to utter one phrase out loud but the voices in my head had a field day with this one.

To set the stage for this particular episode, you need to know who Crash is – Crash is a former coworker who, how shall I put this, had some personal boundary issues. Gets a little too close, unnecessary hugs, a little too enthusiastic about my perfume. Relatively harmless…I think… Continue reading “Scarred For Life – The Vagina Monologue”