Monthly Archives: January 2017

Poultry Fornication (or Romeo got penis juice on my last pair of lululemons)

chickens

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca and www.the nastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home at www.thenastywench.com)

(Spoiler alert…if you stopped by hoping to catch some videos of chicken sex…a) you need a new hobby, b) you are dark and twisted in a different way than I am and c) eewwww)

There’s a reason I don’t write fiction…I couldn’t make this stuff up.

Princess is a character in my world who exists solely on privilege and entitlement. I used to think that she was completely out of touch with reality but I’ve come to the conclusion that she’s merely out of touch with my reality and that’s enough to annoy the crap out of me. I will give her credit for having achieved a level of oblivion that is nothing short of mind-boggling. She was talking to me, as she tends to do …unaware that I was plotting her untimely demise. She’d just marched in announcing that she’d done an hour and half of cardio the night before …then asked me if I knew how long an hour and a half of cardio takes …

Continue reading

The Twiddle Muff Chronicles

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home on www.thenastywench.com)

(Bonus points if you guessed that’s a cat ass coaster in the picture)

After the whole twiddle muff incident, things got worse. This will make marginally more sense if you’ve read the “Words That Make Me Giggle” post…but not much more.

Knitting sounds like such an innocent past time. Not so fast – who knew the yarn arts had a dark side, a “mature content” section?  Turns out knitters are weird folks.

Do you know there’s such a thing as vaginal knitting? I’m not making this up… Continue reading

Twat Waffle

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home at www.thenastywench.com)

I’ve discovered that the Kung Fu countermove to Cockwaffle is…drum roll please…Twat-Waffle, I really should have seen that coming…

twat waffle poster

∼ the nasty wench ∼

Words That Make Me Giggle

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home on www.thenastywench.com

Words That Make Me Giggle

I love words, all kinds of words…but there is a special category of words that simply make me giggle. Often it’s the double entendre, smacking of smutty undertones or sometimes they just sound silly.

My perennial favorite – labelopes. Unless you deal with Purolator on a regular basis, you have no idea what I’m talking about. Labelopes sounds like a genital reference… Continue reading

The West Virginia Roadkill Cook-Off

Roadkill Cook Off Logo

(note: previously posted on www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home at www.thenastywench.com)

The West Virginia Roadkill Cook-Off

Yes, Virginia, there is a Roadkill Cook-Off, this is a thing. Just when you think you’ve heard it all, along comes a rather unique annual cooking competition. I heard a rumor, I looked it up, it’s quite the event – not just a cook off, it’s a festival.

The first rule – all entries must have, as their featured ingredient, any animal commonly found dead on the side of the road – groundhog, opossum, deer, rabbit, bear, crow, squirrel, snake, turkey, etc. No indication if you have to mow it down yourself or just scrape it off the side of the road and toss it in your trunk.

The second rule – Continue reading

What Would Baby Jesus Think?

Baby Jesus statue without head

(courtesy The Star)

(note: previously published on www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home on www.thenastywench.com)

What would Baby Jesus think?

What would baby Jesus think? Apparently a white stone statue of Mary and the baby Jesus at a church in Sudbury, ON has been vandalized a few times over the years, decapitating the baby Jesus but leaving the head nearby – ‘cause really, what are you going to do with a baby Jesus head. A little hard to pawn. Pssst, wanna buy a baby Jesus head?

The last decapitation took place a year ago but the head was nowhere to be found. The cost of replacing the head was prohibitive to the church and so it remained “as is” for months. A local artist came across the statue and offered to repair it at no cost – Continue reading

Ripped From the Headlines – Part 2

man with arrow in head

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca and www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home on www.thenastywench.com)

Teen Shoots Dad With Arrow Over Cell Phone

Once again…that’s the headline.

A 35 yr old man in rural Washington was airlifted to hospital after his 15 yr old daughter shot him in the head with a hunting bow and arrow because he took her cell phone away. The kicker – she refused to let him use the cell to call for help and he had to crawl to the neighbour’s house for assistance with the arrow still firmly implanted in his skull. Seriously.

Wonder if he’s regretting the decision to sign her up for those archery classes now? Proud papa cheering loudly while she is presented the award for marksmanship. Should have signed her up for band camp…na, Continue reading

Plenty of WTF

plenty of fish logo

(originally published on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca and www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home at www.thenastywench.com)

I took a stab at online dating – it was not pretty.

My options for meeting someone are fairly limited – I work for a really small company (no interesting candidates there) and I volunteer with an agency that is 98% women, unless I’m considering making a major lifestyle change…I don’t do the bar scene or casinos…this is beginning to sound a little pathetic.

So, I took the plunge into online dating, what’s the worst that can happen? I’m sure most of the online sites are the same so I won’t point any fingers… Continue reading

Ode to a Walmart Greeter

evil walmart happy face logo

Ode to a Walmart Greeter

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca and www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home on www.thenastywench.com)

All due respect to Walmart Greeters around the world but if you ever walk into a Walmart and I’m there greeting you, take me out to the parking lot and back over me. Assume that I’m being held hostage and I’m being made to sing that freaking Walmart rah rah cheer song in the morning. I thought that was a rumor when I first heard about it but I got into a Walmart early one morning and they actually make their staff sing that asinine song. I cannot believe that it does not breach some human rights legislation.

Greeters don’t actually greet customers any more… Continue reading