24 Hour Urine Collection…or how to fuck up your long weekend

large orange jug for urine collection

24 Hour Urine Collection

(Spoiler Alert: one of the least fun things you can do on your long weekend)

I would love to come over on the long weekend for a bbq…I, however, have to stay home and pee in a jug for 24 hours. No, I’m not fucking making this up. Who would make that up? I have to be home to go pee…pretty sure it’s inappropriate to ask if I can keep my urine jug in your fridge (and no, I wouldn’t ask, just pointing out it is both socially and personally weird as fuck). Note to self…remind the boarder not to drink the contents of the orange jug… Continue reading “24 Hour Urine Collection…or how to fuck up your long weekend”

Stoned…A Kidney Story

picture of a kidney with a stone it in

 

Sunday night and I’m bagged, head upstairs, get ready to call this day done.

I’m on the phone debriefing with a crisis responder (I dispatch from home) when “something” happens. I get a twinge in my back which is rapidly getting more and more painful, maybe I pinched a nerve. Then I’m hit with a wave of nausea and I blurt out that I need to get off the phone. The pain is getting worse by the second and by the time I make it to my bathroom (ensuite, maybe 8’ away), I collapse in excruciating pain and I think I’m going to pass out.

What the fuck? My son is in the basement but he thinks I’ve gone to bed, he’s on his winter lay off right now, he won’t even realize there might be something amiss until sometime tomorrow afternoon when he realizes my car is still in the driveway. Before I pass out, he should probably be aware that I’m collapsed on the bathroom floor. Continue reading “Stoned…A Kidney Story”

The Vagina Monologue

 

cartoon style picture of a diver

(previously published on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca)

In the beginning…cue dramatic music…

In the re-launch of my blog, I realized that I had not shared the original post on the new website – The Vagina Monologue.  Indeed, it was originally an email to a friend trying to relate a rather scarring conversation, his response…he laughed and called me a nasty wench…so here goes –

Some conversations are unpredictable, unavoidable and scarring. The portions of the exchange that I am about to share with you that appear in red italics are contributions from the voices in my head. I was only ever able to utter one phrase out loud at one point but the voices in my head had a field day with this one. Continue reading “The Vagina Monologue”

The Great Ben Wa Extraction Dilemma

purple ben wa balls placed on a bag

(previously published on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca, now in its new home on www.thenastywench.com)

Now that I have your attention, let me tell you about my Friday night. I am an independent woman with many interests and endeavors…which explains why I am spending my Friday night painting the ceiling in the spare bedroom. And no, before you ask, I am not using Ben Wa balls to spice up my Friday night painting experience – merely setting the scene.  Just when you think that painting a ceiling on a Friday night is about as bad as it can get, the extension handle snaps on a fully loaded extra thick roller above my head. I take a direct hit…hair, ear, face full of paint…leaving me looking very tribal – prepared for clan warfare or a maybe voodoo ritual.

Skip ahead past the clean up.

I roll the last of the ceiling and have about 5 seconds to admire my work when I get the following text “have you ever used Ben Wa balls?” The award for most unique question I’ve been asked in ages goes to… Continue reading “The Great Ben Wa Extraction Dilemma”

The Female Condom

female condom in a package

The Female Condom

I recently had the opportunity to have a hands on look at the female condom. I’ve heard about them but I’ve never actually seen one. From the descriptions I’ve heard, they seem impractical at best, but here was a chance to do some in depth research. It, of course, comes with full instructions. Let me tell you, if I was capable of the physical contortions and manual dexterity required to properly insert the female condom, Continue reading “The Female Condom”

Coffee Enemas…how do you take your coffee?

coffee enema bag

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca…now in its new home at www.thenastywench.com)

Coffee Enemas…how do you take your coffee?

(for the record, orally…I take mine orally)

Coffee enema…this is a thing?? Color me surprised. My son was watching an episode of My Strange Addiction and shares this little gem with me. Not only is a coffee enema a thing, it’s a thing that can become addictive. Oh, do tell.

Gotta google that one, where else would one find a wealth of information on strange shit that people do? Sure enough, I get as far as “coffee e” and google knows exactly that I’m looking for –

Continue reading “Coffee Enemas…how do you take your coffee?”

Jay Lavery….I am a fan

farmer dancing in barn

Jay Lavery – Dancing Goat Farmer

Just ‘cause it’s Friday…we could all use something a little upbeat  – enter Jay Lavery. I came across this Huffington Post article complete with a video of Jay demonstrating his dance skills while tending the goats on his farm in upstate New York.  It’s dance like nobody’s watching…except for Continue reading “Jay Lavery….I am a fan”

Giraffe Porn

giraffe bent over looking through its legs

Giraffe Porn

You read that correctly, apparently it’s a thing. It must be, the live feed of a giraffe giving birth in a zoo in upstate New York was pulled off You Tube due to complaints from an animal rights group that it was “sexually explicit and contained nudity”. Seriously, I cannot possibly make this up.  Note:  it’s not the conception folks, it’s the birth.

I have no idea what a giraffe is supposed to be wearing while giving birth but clearly some misguided soul took offense to giraffe nudity. I’m going to say someone needs a new hobby, Continue reading “Giraffe Porn”

Poultry Fornication (or Romeo got penis juice on my last pair of lululemons)

chickens

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.blogspot.ca and www.the nastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home at www.thenastywench.com)

(Spoiler alert…if you stopped by hoping to catch some videos of chicken sex…a) you need a new hobby, b) you are dark and twisted in a different way than I am and c) eewwww)

There’s a reason I don’t write fiction…I couldn’t make this stuff up.

Princess is a character in my world who exists solely on privilege and entitlement. I used to think that she was completely out of touch with reality but I’ve come to the conclusion that she’s merely out of touch with my reality and that’s enough to annoy the crap out of me. I will give her credit for having achieved a level of oblivion that is nothing short of mind-boggling. She was talking to me, as she tends to do …unaware that I was plotting her untimely demise. She’d just marched in announcing that she’d done an hour and half of cardio the night before …then asked me if I knew how long an hour and a half of cardio takes …

Continue reading “Poultry Fornication (or Romeo got penis juice on my last pair of lululemons)”

The Twiddle Muff Chronicles

(originally posted on www.thenastywench.wordpress.com…now in its new home on www.thenastywench.com)

(Bonus points if you guessed that’s a cat ass coaster in the picture)

After the whole twiddle muff incident, things got worse. This will make marginally more sense if you’ve read the “Words That Make Me Giggle” post…but not much more.

Knitting sounds like such an innocent past time. Not so fast – who knew the yarn arts had a dark side, a “mature content” section?  Turns out knitters are weird folks.

Do you know there’s such a thing as vaginal knitting? I’m not making this up… Continue reading “The Twiddle Muff Chronicles”